What is it lonesome? Is it when you type then utype? Is it when you rewind some sort of “the script” song over and over again? Is it a 3 am kind of feeling? Or is it something constant? Is it when you have lots to talk about but you choose to throw it into your deep valley of secrets? Is it when you tear with no reason? Or is it when you get obsessed with any kind of hobby?
I think lonesome is when you go buy yourself a birthday cake and take a “selfie” blowing the candles off. It’s when you realize that its funny how can a black line on your eyelids make you feel so good about yourself. It’s when you photograph any photogenic object. It’s when you sleep for ages and wake up craving more sleep. It’s when you crumble up whilst sleeping or watching anything. It’s when you get deeply lost on the internet. It’s when you’d rather live in your dreams. It’s when you order everything on the menu,then you just keep on sipping water. It’s when you go out with dirty hair,throw on some top and black jeans,with no care. It’s when you actually take time to wonder about this universe. It’s when you get lost in fiction.
And I have no shame admitting that I’m alone,I’ve been alone most of my life and frankly,I do like it. I really do like being alone,I like to have my space,I like to mind my business and face the consequences by myself. I like watching “couples” movies,walk in the rain,eat around tables for two,shop,do a group activity,travel the world,play multi-player video games,go around town,walk by the sea-side,go to parties,attend concerts,ALONE! I don’t know why but even if I’m in a relationship,or if I’m going to some really fancy event,I dress up,throw some make up on,wear those heels,for me to feel good about myself,somehow. I like to own myself,I don’t like the whole idea of belonging to someone else. I’m not anti-social or anything,in fact I do like people,I like hanging out,I love social activities,I like meeting new people,I like having friends and all that,but at the end of each day I’m the kind of person who likes to drive home alone and sleep individually on a king-sized bed. Call me weird but I don’t like sleeping next to anyone,maybe I do get scared,but for me my night-light is enough,I don’t need another breathing objects next to me! I’m not “made of stone” or whatever you may call,I like everybody,but I just don”t like someone invading my personal space!!
Thats why my life has been filled with obstacles. Like lets say,me and you somehow became friends or anything that comes in mind. I would see you every day,talk to you like we’re “bestfrinds”,as long as we’re face-to-face. But like when we both get home,or away,I wont text\call you daily,or ever! I’m that kind of person that if I went away for a year,I would live like I have no “social media” or any kind of communicating device,when it comes to checking up on others,then when we meet,I act like we were never apart. Nearly everybody don’t get why I do that,or why do we do that,if anyone is on the same page as me. I don’t even know why do i do that!! I lost nearly all my previous friends because of that habit that’s in me,but that’s not the problem,the problem is,I don’t really care. So I don’t know,is that me being selfish? Or is it because I’m used to the whole “alone” thing?
But then I ask myself,what about love? like how am I supposed to fall if I have that tremendous amount of carelessness in me? I sarcastically answered myself :”I wont”. Then I sadly realized that I can’t not be in the whole love thing,I do need someone to help me with the laundry,without me paying them. I also need who would walk me to bed or cover me with my favorite blanket (out of all the blankets I have) when I carelessly
sleep on the floor. I desperately need someone to bake me good cookies. So how can I satisfy both of my contradictory needs? The answer is love itself,because when you get yourself in that thing,you would have to change those habits a bit and they have to get used to your habits a bit. But until a miracle happens and I fall in love,so deeply that I have to change myself,I will buy my own cookies.
Lifeoverdose 21 